The Gamble
by enodemon
Summary: I think the way the show ended really sucks. So I wrote a different ending, one that I can live with. lol This is Toby and Chris if Chris had made a different choice in that last episode. Small spoiler, some romance, running, shooting etc. Enjoy, R


The Gamble

"Fuck you! I fucking hate you right now!"

"Yeah well you're not the only one!"

Chris was at the end of his rope. He could not stand the look in Toby's eyes. He just wanted to take him into his arms and hold him as tight as he could. But his eyes were cold and the stare formed a barrier that not even Chris could cross.

"You have to do this right now, and you can curse at me later, but now, please, listen to me and don't screw this up"

"Why should I listen to you again?"

"OK! Let me put it this way: if you don't fucking do this I'll punch you're lights out and carry you away!"

Toby took a deep breath and extended his hands to be shackled in. He couldn't believe himself when he felt sorry Chris stopped whispering in his ear. The bio-hazard unleashed in the mail room had them evacuated in the middle of fighting and now Chris was planning an escape. Toby believed him when he said he would punch him out and agreed to 'cooperate' with a nod of his head.

Everyone was on full alert and as they loaded the prisoners into the buses, the hacks seemed to have forgotten all measures of security. They were all in a hurry to get the hell out of there. No guns in site. The tension built up in Toby's body bit by bit until he felt his temples might explode. Finally Chris yanked the chain connecting them as a sign that it was time. Chris started to run and Toby followed. He could hear one of the hacks cursing.

"Let them... they won't get far. We have something more urgent on our hands right now!"

They ran through the opened gates and on to the road, chains making loud noises after them on the cement.

"This is by far you're stupidest idea so far!"

"Shut the fuck up and run!"

They got off the road and into the wooden area on it's side. _"They will have our balls for dinner… fuck! Why did I let him drag me into this?" _Toby thought to himself while panting heavily from running. Chris did not seem as tired as him but he had to be.

"Stop... please... I can't breath anymore..."

"Not yet. You have to keep it up for awhile more, Tobe"

"Fuck! Haven't... ran...like...this... in... years…"

"If we stop now we are tossed. They are right behind us, I'm sure. Can't stop now."

"Do you at least know where we are headed? Don't answer that! I'm freaked out enough anyway."

"Yeah. I know where we ain't goin' and that's back to Oz."

"They are goin' to catch us...and I don't care!" Toby said stopping.

"Fuck no! You're not givin' up now!"

"You watch me!"

"I know it's hard, but think of you're kids! You do wanna see them again don't ya?" Chris swallowed his words as Toby's fist caught him full in the face.

"You cocky ass motherfucker! Do not mention my kids again as long as you live! You fuckin' hear me?"

Chris wiped the blood away from his lips and smiled at Toby. A bloody smile that was supposed to melt the iciest heart only enraged Toby more. Chris dogged the second blow and caught Toby's arm twisting it artfully behind his back.

"We don't have time for this! Fuckin' get a grip! You wanna beat the shit outta me? Fine! You can fuckin' do it later! Now we gotta run!"

"Where to? Are you stupid? There is nowhere to go! I'm gonna beat the shit outta you right fucking now and I'm gonna turn us in!"

Toby attacked him again and before Chris could defend himself he was on the ground with Toby's hands clenched in his throat, gasping for air. The beast in him rose as he pushed Toby off himself in one swift move and landed on top of him, pinning his hands above his head.

"I might let you be on top sometimes but we both know that's my place." Chris said licking a path around Toby's mouth. "Get it through you're thick skull! We are on the run!"

"GET OFF ME!"

"So you can try to kill me again?"

Toby's eyes were flooded with tears. The realization of freedom around the corner just struck him. His eyes closed as the tears came down his flushed cheeks. He felt Chris's soft lips on his face as he kissed the tears away.

"Don't cry...Tobe, please, don't..."

"Get off me!" he said on a calmer tone now. And Chris obeyed helping him to his feet. They started running again, as fast as they could, in silence. Tobias wished he could read Chris's mind, have the faintest idea of where they were going. Despite himself he was hopeful. Anything was better than to rot away in prison. He swore he would not get caught, not never. Hope was creeping in more and more, and dreams of wishful thinking were forming in his head, making him forget the pain in his lower back and ankles. Why was there no one following them? They were running pretty fast and the authorities were busy with the bio-hazard at the prison, but soon enough they would track them down, right?

Toby blinked the thought away. They had passed through the woods and were closing to the highway on the other side of it. Chris stooped panting hard and resting with his hands on his knees.

"What? Why are we stopping?"

"We have a ride..." He said pointing to a big truck about 10 meters away. When they got to it, Chris knocked twice on the metal door and a small woman got out of the car. She had reddish hair and the darkest eyes Toby had ever seen. She jumped in Chris's arms hugging him. In a minute she was off him though and started hitting him in the shoulders with her clenched fists.

"You are fucking late! I was worried sick!"

"Sorry, Lexy, we had a...bit of a misunderstanding on the way."

"Aw, crap...I'm so glad you're here! I thought I would never see you again!" And just like that she was in his arms again, her head resting in the crook of his neck.

"This is Toby..."

"The infamous Tobias Beecher! Well, pleased to meet ya! I'm Alexis, but I guess you can call me Lexy too."

"Yes..." That was all Toby could manage to say. He was totally confused. He had never heard of any Lexy or Alexis and he never expected Keller to have a plan. He thought they would just run themselves to exhaustion and...

"Come on! Get inside!" She rushed them into the truck. "I'm late anyway, so we gotta get goin'."

"Who is she?"

"My baby girl." Chris answered calmly stretching his legs and laying down on the floor.

"You're baby girl?! What does that mean? You never mentioned her before! Were you married more times than you said?"

"Do I detect a bit of jealousy in you're tone?"

"Don't be a jerk! Who is she?"

"My daughter...OK?"

"You're wha...? You have a...But...how?"

"I found her when she was a baby...some bitch had left her in a dumpster. I took care of her for a while and I found people to care for her when I was doin' time. I never told you about her because...well, there was no point in doin' that was there? Nobody knows about her. That way she is safe."

"And now you get her to commit a felony by aiding escaped criminals? Oh, yeah! I can see the protection you provide!"

"Shut the fuck up! She wants to help. Besides, we are free now and she is comin' with me. We have...a whole new life waitin' for us." He whispered like a child caught in mischief.

"And what if we get caught? Did you think of what will happen to you're baby girl then?"

"Yeah, you selfriches fuck! She is my hostage then. Some chick with a truck I kidnapped to drive us, OK?"

"Guess so...Never figured you for the fatherly type. You never cease to amaze me. Does she know...?"

"What?"

"About the murders?"

"Why am I not surprised at that question comin' from you? She is just helping us here! You have no business even talking to her. So just drop it, will ya?"

"Right..."

"We oughta get some sleep now. It'll be a long run."

Chris folded his arm under his head and closed his eyes. Toby couldn't get over all of the things that happened to him in the last few days. He was overwhelmed by everything he was feeling. He missed his own kids. _Lexy must really love Chris if she's doin' this for him. _Toby thought. _I wonder why he __never mentioned her to me? He trusted me with all the other secrets...but not this one..._He fell asleep with these thoughts.

He was woken up by soft little kisses on his face and lips. Before he could think he found himself kissing back, wrapping his arms around the body laying ontop of him. Chris's lips were warm on his skin and soon found their way down his neck and started sucking at the soft and firm skin they found there. Toby tilted his head to the side and upwards to give him more access. He felt Chris's teeth biting in the flesh. He moaned hoarsely and brought his hand up to cup his head and push his opened mouth harder on himself.

He wanted the lovebite, he needed the soft and yet so distinct pain...and even more he needed the mark, so he could feel he belonged. He could feel the hardness in Chris's pants pressed up against his groin. His breath came in short gasps as he called Chris's name over and over again, scrumming underneath him and thrusting in sync with him. The pain brought him out off the daze and he became very aware of what was happening.

"Chris...stop!"

"Please, don't make me stop..." Chris whispered against his neck.

"Don't make me say it louder...stop...now!"

"Tobe...I love you so much...don't say that...I need this...I need you...let me hold you, please..." He muttered between kisses.

"Get off me, Chris. I mean it."

He had never heard Chris beg like that for anything, much less for a hug. But the despair was there, glittering in the tears that filed his eyes, and he couldn't stand to look. Chris rolled off him and sat up burying his face between his knees, smothering his own sighs. The shiver that passed through Chris's body before he got off had broken Toby's heart in a million pieces.

"Chris...I'm...I'm sorry." He choke on the words. He could not stand seeing the pain he had inflicted.

":No...You're right. I deserve this and worse...I'm sorry. I never did anything right, I wanted...I thought..."

"Chris, stop crying. Please! I want to be upset with you, fuck I wanna hate you for all you did to me! But...I can't."

"I love you, Tobe. I just can't cope without you."

Toby closed up and reached out to touch his cheek. Something was holding him back. He wanted to comfort that man he loved so much that his chest hurt, but he couldn't.

"Why is this so hard? Why did God make something so beautiful so painful?"

"I don't know. This time I..."

"Hey you guys! You not hungry yet?" Lexy's voice broke the tension. "Got hotdogs for ya!" She sat down next to Chris and handed out the food from a brown paper bag. Toby couldn't believe he hadn't felt the truck stopping.

"Why the long faces? Didn't sleep well?"

"Nah, Lexy. You drove as smoothly as water. Just, the whole fugitive stuff didn't sink in yet." Chris smiled at her. She frowned for a moment like she didn't buy that, but said nothing.

"We're close to total freedom..."

"Don't joke with you're old man! It'll take a while, and you know it."

_You're old man..._Toby thought. This was a side of Chris he never even suspected he had. It was more and more obvious to him: Chris had a plan.

"So what's the story? Where are we headed?"

"To a safehouse. They are looking for ya now so you'll havtha wait till the smoke clears a bit. Then you'll head for the border."

"The border?"

"Mexico..."

"How long are we supposed to wait?"

"Don't know. It'll be a while though."

"Lex...where did you get cash for the grub?"

"Non required, remember?" She laughed and winked at Chris.

"Fuck...Did anyone follow you?"

"Nah...I dazzled the guy behind the counter at the store. He didn't see me take the food. The old Keller way, remember, DAD?"

"What did you do?" Toby asked with sheer interest.

"I showed him my boobs."

Chris was laughing out loud and Toby was stunned.

"That is 'the Keller way'? You flash people?"

"Imagine daddy over here doin' that!"

Now Toby was laughing. Chris blushed for a very short moment.

"Well, it does work..."

"I should get back to ma wheel, if we wanna make it to the safehouse today."

"What do you mean you can't fucking find them!...I want them back in custody by this evening, or heads will fall!" Querns was steaming with anger as he slammed the receiver down.

Beecher and Keller were missing since yesterday and though the police had been mobilized, it had happened somewhat late and they weren't in the woods anymore. The dogs were brought in, but still no success. Filters were put up at all state borders, but no two men to fit the description had tried to pass through. Querns was paseing in his office which all of a sudden seemed too small. He had just gotten the big job and now with all the bio-hazard and now the fugitives...he felt he wasn't going to keep it for long.

"Ringgg!!!" He yelled at the phone. They had to be caught.

Long minutes had passed before the phone actually rang again.

"YEAH! Tell me you fucking caught them or I'll have you're balls on my keychain!"

"Well, sir...we..."

"You didn't!"

"No...You see they managed to get away...But we did wound one of them." The voice sounded proud as it said that last phrase.

"That's just grand. You'll get a promotion for this!"

"Really...sir I don..."

"YEAH! UP YOU'RE ASS YOU STUPID FUCK!"

"But..."

"GET THEM!"

"We almost did, sir...they were in a truck transporting chemicals...they took the driver hostage and..."

"I don't give a fried fuck!"

"They ran and we shot...I'm almost sure the taller one got a bullet..."

"ALMOST! SHUT THE FUCK UP! And wounded and all they still out ran you? What kind of freaks are you?"

"They had guns too, sir. They stopped a passing car, threw the driver out and made their getaway. They shot our tires and we couldn't keep up on foot..."

"Find them! I'm warning you...Fuck! Wait! The driver, who is he?"

"A 19 year old girl. She was scared to death, all shaking and stuff."

"A 19...driving a truck?"

"She has a license for it, and she really is hired by the truck company, sir."

"Did you question her?"

"Yes, sir. She was stopped by the two fugitives, threatened with a gun and..."

"Fine. I wanna talk to her!"

"She's pretty shaken up, sir."

"Are you deaf? Bring her in! Now!"

"Yes, sir. Right away sir!"

By the time they brought Lexy in Querns had calmed down a bit and was smoking. The red haired girl entered the office with her head hanging down and hands clenched together.

"Please, sit down miss...You're full name?"

"Alexis Christine More" she said in a shaky voice, biting her lips as she spoke.

"Can you tell me what happened, Christine?"

"Alex..." She didn't want anyone calling her Christine. That was the name Chris gave her. It meant they were the same. She had chosen Alexis, and the social worker had filled in the last name. No one ever called her Christine...only Chris did, and only he was allowed to.

"Alex...can you tell me?"

"I...I was driving and...I stopped to...take a leek...I did..." She was choked by tears.

"Calm down, miss...You need a glass of water or something?"

"They...put a gun to my heeead..." She was crying with big sighs. "I was so scared...I did what...they told me to...I'm sorry!"

"I think we should postpone this talk till you calm down a bit."

"I'm sorry...I can't stop...I want to get it over with..." She was rubbing her hands nervously. "I'm trying to get a grip...but..."

"Did you give a testimony to the officers?"

"Yeah...I...told them."

"Ok. You may go. When we get the motherfuckers we'll call you in to identify them."

"Ok..."

"Go, have a good rest...Do you have someone to be with you now?"

"Grammy, the...lady I live with..."

"The lady?"

"I have no one...She was kind to me...She adopted me sometime ago...I take care of her."

"I see. Don't leave the state. You'll hear from us."

She left the office restraining her whish to just burst out of there. Only when she was on the street her heart beat slowed down back to normal. They had all fallen for it! They bought her act! Why wouldn't they, right? She could look as innocent as a pup. Chris had thought her well. He was the master of deceit so she had learned from the best. She was only sorry she didn't have the chance to lay the whole story on them. About how scared she was for her life and how glad she was they, the great inforcers of justice, had saved her. But there was time still. She had this bad feeling that this wasn't the last time she would see Querns.

"Now what?"

"Still heading for the safehouse."

"I can't believe you shot at those cops!"

"They shot at us first."

"Yeah, but they are cops...I never held a gun before in my life..."

"Well, I thought that Oz had gotten you used to violence by now. So stop being such a drama queen!"

"To fist fights and shanks, yeah...but to gun shots...I never fired..."

"Oh, come on! I know you people go to the shooting range and do this shit for fun every other weekend."

"You people!? What is that supposed to mean? And no! I never did! You smug bastard! You wear you're so called childhood traumas with such fucking pride!"

"I have no childhood traumas. Those are things you people invented. Psycho bullshit like that is what makes you be able to look in the mirror every day. Well I don't need it! I do what I havtha!"

"Fuck! Chris, you're bleeding!"

"No shit!"

"How...?"

"Remember the cops I fired my gun at? They fired first."

"It looks pretty bad. You need medical attention."

"Get a fucking grip and don't make me laugh."

"Sorry..."

"We're almost there." Chris said turning of the highway and heading down a dusty country road. Not by long they got to a house. They tucked the car in the garage and headed inside. It was a neat little place Toby thought, only it looked deserted.

"What is this place? Is there no one living here?"

"Not now..." Chris answered slipping into an armchair. He was very pale and small beads of sweat were covering his forehead.

"You look like shit, Chris. You're face looks green..."

"Gee, thanks."

"Let me take a look...You have to take you're pants off."

"You have a dirty mind...did anyone ever tell you?"

"Stop it and let me help. If the bleeding doesn't stop soon..."

Chris grunted in pain as Toby slipped his pants off lifting his thigh out of the chair. The wound was bleeding abundantly. Toby brought a lamp closer and fixed the beam of light on the wound. His heart was racing. Chris was close to loosing consciousness. Toby ripped a long strip of cloth from a curtain and tied it down tight above the wound.

"Is there a bathroom? I need water."

"The door to the left..." Chris muttered.

Toby helped Chris to his feet. He was so much heavier now that he couldn't stand on his own. Toby bucked under the weight but managed to hold him up. He let him lay down in the tub. The wound was smaller than he had expected once cleaned of all the blood. The flesh around it was starting to turn blue, telling Toby he had to relieve the improvised tourniquet. The bleeding had diminished but he had to make sure it wouldn't pick up again. He brought salt from the kitchen and poured it in the wound covering it completely before he took off the tourniquet.

"Hey! Chris!" He shook his shoulder. No reaction. "Oh God please, don't die on me now! Chris! Wake up! Fuck! Don't you die! You hear me!"

"Mmmm..."

"Oh, good..." Toby kissed his face all over lingering desperately on his lips. He brought a pillow from the bed and placed it under Chris's head. There was no blood coming through the salt anymore, but he knew the bullet had to be removed and that he couldn't do that. Chris's still too white face was worrying him even more. He needed his blood back.

A knock on the door startled him. _Oh god! It's the cops!_ He grabbed his gun and approached the door carefully. He was ready to shoot for the kill at whom ever was there. He leaned on the door trying to catch his breath. The pounding of his own heart filled his ears as he felt his blood rushing through him like fire.

He opened the door pointing the gun at the person standing in front of it.

"Fuck! Get that outta my face!"

"Lexy! Am I glad to see you!" He said hugging her.

"Are ya gonna let me in today?"

"Yeah...come!"

"So where's Chris?"

"In the bath room..."

"Shower freak!...He always was...Oh, my God! What the fuck!?" She shrugged at the sight of blood all over the floor.

"He...got shot, Lexy. I managed to stop the bleeding, but..."

"Fuck no! No! No! Don't you fucking tell me that!"

"He is alive...but barely so. He lost a lot of blood, and the bullet is still in. He needs a doctor. Fast!"

"I gotta see him!" She ran across the room and into the bath room kneeling next to the tub. Her small hand traced the line of his cold cheeks with trembling fingers. Her hot tears fell on his face as she kissed him.

"Dad...don't do this. Not now when we are so close! Please! Chris! I...love you..."

"Christine..." he whispered barely opening his eyes. "It's ok."

"I'll be back." She placed one more kiss on his forehead and got out. Toby was in the room." I'm going to get a doctor. Please keep him alive until I get back! Please!"

Toby only could nod. She left in a hurry and he returned to Chris's side.

"You have to stay awake, Chris." He wasn't sure this was the answer but until Chris would talk to him it meant ha was alive. "Talk to me..."

"Can't..."

"Ok, then just make noises. You don't have to form words, but just let me know that...you're alive...Squeeze my hand!"

Chris's grip was fading and his eyes closing.

"I'm...tired, Tobe...let me...rest..."

_It's taking Lexy forever to get back...God, I hope Chris makes it. He is so pale now. How can I keep him...keep him...guess there's no point in lying to myself...I need him._

"I need you too Chris. I love you so you cannot die..." He realized that he was saying stupid things but there was nothing else to say. He just wanted to tell him he loved him over and over. He couldn't yet forgive all the shit Chris had put him through so many times, but he didn't want him to die and leave everything so unsolved. He needed closure. Would they be like they were? Will they never see each other again? He had no idea of how it'll all turn out. But one thing was certain: Chris had to be alive. He had to know that he is breathing somewhere, no matter how far. Chris had to make it.

"Tobe..."

"Yeah, Chris. I'm here."

"Good. I don't wanna be alone right now..."

"Are you feeling better? You sound better."

"Not so tired anymore...still dizzy."

"Lexy went to get a doctor. Don't be mad, you really need one."

"Not mad, Tobe."

"Does it hurt?"

"Yeah..."

"You don't show it."

"Guess I'm used to it. I got shot before remember?"

"Yes. You seem to just draw the bullets to you're self."

"Fuck you..." Chris's face was lid up by a faint smile.

"Later..." Tobias found himself whispering. His face immediately turned red.

"Good. Later it is..."

Toby couldn't answer anymore. He just held the man's hand in his own. He felt a bit reassured by the small change in Chris's state.

Lexy returned arownd midnight. She had brought a small man with her, whom she introduced to Toby as The Doc.

"Is he trustworthy?" Toby asked her in a low voice as the man entered the bathroom to check on the patient. She nodded.

"I need help moving him to a table. I have no access to the wound as he sits there. So put together two tables and than help me carry him over there. I also need light. Lots of it. The brighter the better...who did the salt bandage on him?"

"I did."

"You did a bang up job. Good work."

They moved a grunting and moaning Chris to the newly installed surgical table. Toby and Lexy assisted the operation. He first cleaned the salt from the wound than asked Toby to tie the tourniquet back.

"It'll slow the bleeding again and most importantly, it will diminish the pain...There is going to be a lot of pain in this, the bullet went in and got jammed in the bone. Chris, I need you to keep as still as you can." Chris nodded. The man's hands moved as quickly as possible, cutting into the flesh and digging inside the wound to find and extract the bullet. Chris's face had gotten even whiter and he squeezed the tables edges until his knuckles turned white too. He was panting and grunting as the intervention went on. Toby held his leg tight on the table and Lexy was in charge of handing the tools to the doctor and comforting him.

"All done!" The small man stated victoriously while pulling out the bullet and dropping it on a tray. "Now for the blood and the infection..." He kept speaking as if to himself. Chris laid his head back down. He was covered in sweat, and his breath was still erratic. The doctor closed the wound after filling it with some sort of medicine dust. Took the tourniquet off and bandaged the wound.

"Let's move him to a bed. He is not allowed to walk yet, so do not let him out of bed! What is you're blood type?" He asked Toby.

"0 negative..."

"He needs a transfusion. Do you wanna give him some blood?"

"Yes of course! As much as he needs!"

"As much as you can give. Lay down next to him, I'll put on a line."

The sting on his arm where the needle had been stuck in persisted all the way through the transfusion. He was laying on his back, next to Chris, their sides pressed together, their hands touching. Chris's breath filed his ears. He had been given pain killers and had fallen asleep. He was going to make it. Toby was reassured now and after the doctor removed the line between them he asked if he could stay with Chris.

"Yeah, I guess so. Just let him sleep as much as possible."

"He'll be fine, right?"

"He'll have a bad limp for a while. But in time the muscle will smoothen out. The limping might never go away completely though."

Toby remained on the bed, looking at Chris's face as he was sleeping. He unconsciously synchronized his breath with Chris's. His skin was glittering with sweat as he was laying on his back, all his large frame relaxed. Toby finally eased himself off the bed and quietly left the room. Lexy was outside, on the doorstep, smoking and gazing at the fading stars. It was close to dawn.

"May I?"

"Yeah, sit...Doc said he'll make it..."

"Sure...he's strong like a bull."

"A bull...don't think he would like to hear that much. But you are right. He is...well, fuck! He's all I have. But he is quite stubborn sometimes...most of the times, I mean."

"I know."

"I'm sorry...for you fucking up you're parole."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sure he's even sorrier."

"Did...No, that's impossible."

"What were you going to say?"

"It's stupid. I was gonna ask if he put you up to this, but..."

"I can make my own decisions. Besides, he would never have someone else fight his battles. He might take advantage of every situation to ease his task, but he gives the final battle himself."

"And this is the grand finale?"

"Sure hope so. Don't you?"

"I'm not sure..."

"No! You can't do this to me! Don't! Toby!...Come back!"

"No. This was coming for quite some time. This time there is no forgiveness for you. You never deserved my forgiveness, or my love. When you hurt me, it was easier to overlook, but now you hurt my kids. Why do you hate them?"

"I don't!"

"You made sure they would never see me again! They are just small children, they need me! I need them. I need to raise them...I will never get to raise Gary. Schillinger made sure of that. But I had the chance to see Holly and Harry growing up and you took that from me...from us! You stole my family away!"

"Please, I can't live without you..."

"Who says you're gonna live? I'm gonna send you to the darkest pith of Hell. You remember, you have been there before, haven't you? You should have stayed there. That is where those sick fucks like you belong!"

"No! No! No! No!...Not there!"

"Yes! You are going to die alone! Like a dog! Alone!"

"Tobe, please...give me you're hand..."

"And forget all about this as I did before?"

"Just don't say there is no hope. I need hope..."

"You ain't getting any from me."

"TOBYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!"

Chris woke up soaked in sweat. His heart was racing and he felt this pain washing all over his body like an electric shock. His mouth was drier than a desert at noon. Finally the pain settled in his lower thigh. He grabbed the sore spot and hissed out in pain. He settled his head back into the moist pillow. He barley remembered being shot. There was someone in the room with him. She came closer to sit on the bed.

"What's wrong?"

"Nightmare...that's all"

"You haven't had one of those since you were comin' off heroin years ago..."

"I know. I just have a lot on my plate right now."

"I get what you're sayin'. But I'm not who you gotta talk to."

"Too bad. At least I know where I stand with you."

"You're really shaken up here. Want some sweets for that?"

"I thought you'd never ask." He sighed with relief as she came closer and hugged him. Her embraces always made him feel at ease, even when she was just a kid. She had this gift of comforting him. He wondered if all parents felt this way with their progeny. She wasn't really his, but he felt like she was. Was this the reason people had children?

"He loves ya, dad." She whispered softly.

"You promise?"

She smiled at that question. She had never seen him so raw and sore. It scared her a bit to see the rock hard shell peal off like that. She knew all there was to know, but the story told through the phone didn't sound that painful. Now that she had met Toby, he wasn't just a character in Chris's story, but a real live person, and real live people were likely to react in unexpected ways. Worse, in unwanted ways. They just may say no when you were absolutely sure it was gonna be a big loud YES. And Toby did seem a very independent spirit. She knew how Chris just wanted to be able to speak for Toby, just a few words. And she also knew how the fact that he couldn't broke his heart and scared him to death. As his heart stopped slamming against her chest, she knew he was calming down from the nightmare, like he always had in the past.

"Glad you're alive, Chris." She said, her voice shaky.

"Whish I could say the same..."

"You should be happy too. We are so close to our dreams now. Don't give up!"

"Not givin' up Lexy but I'm scared. He has no reason to forgive me now. And when we will be safe he'll leave and there is nothing I can do about it."

"You'll find a way. You always do."

"What if I don't wanna find one now? I want him to find one. I mean I want to, but I have to stop finding ways my way before it's too late...you know?"

"I guess so...you went and changed again. Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with any change, but you have to be too. And you have to be you're self. This guy made you finally be able to be you're self..."

"But he is not willing to have me as myself."

"That is what you have to get through now. I'm sure you will."

"You trust me more than I do myself. And you give me more credit too."

"Yeah...Listen, I gotta go. You guys stay put till I say it's alright. I'll be back with food in a few days. I brought some now, that should do it for now."

"Be careful, Lexy, please."

"You know me...Oh! And don't get out of bed. Doc said so."

After she left, Chris laid back into the pillow. He felt tired but not sleepy. He could feel the burning in his thigh where the wound was. He smoothed his hand over it hissing from the wave of pain that followed the motion.

"Lexy told me you were awake..." Toby said slowly closing the door behind him.

"I'm not...I'm asleep and dreaming..."

"Of what?"

"You. Us."

"What was it like?"

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me?" Chris turned suddenly to fix his cold stare in Toby's sky blue eyes. Toby didn't look away. He just closed in and sat on the bed, one leg bent under the other. He knew what Chris was asking, but had no answer. Not yet.

"I am still confused. Chris, I'm afraid you'll just hurt me over and over again for as long as I let you. I'm afraid you...I think you are capable of anything."

"I know. You even thought I could have you're son murdered." He answered in the coldest tone he had.

"I thought we were passed that."

"Me too. But I keep bumping into it every time something goes wrong. Every time I screw up everything we 'were' past comes right back to bite me in the ass. You say you forgive me, but you never do."

"I do, but then every time you come up with some new fucked up demonstration of affection and I..."

"Now you are almost free. All you have to do is hold on a bit longer. And then you won't need me anymore."

"I never needed you. Not the way you think I did."

"I keep forgetting, you love me..."

"You are unfair."

"No, I don't think I am. I think you never did love me. And it's about time I had the balls to admit it. You never loved me. You never loved anyone. I thought I would never love, but you made me love you. And the fucked up shit is that I fell for a guy who cannot love. You really try to, it's not you're fault you can't. You don't even love you're self."

"I see...You think you can make this about you or me or us...but it really is and always will be about my kids."

"You don't love them either. If you did, you would have never done anything to jeopardize you're relationship with them."

"What do you know about that? Nothing! You made me do that. You asked me to help you. And you set me up, Chris! You didn't think about me for one second, much less about my kids. You wanted me back in prison with you and nothing else mattered."

"I did want you back. Because I felt I was loosing you. How do you think it made me fell when you came to visit and just started pouring the details about you and Holly's teacher? When I was in Cedar Junction, and you wrote me about miss McClain...oh, that made my day! The guy I gave my life up for writes me he's in love. Ah, but not with me! Oh no! With some lawyer chick he met two fuckin' days ago!"

"I was...angry! You told me not to come see you...she was there and willing. I told myself that it was no scheme to get you jealous or...but it was."

"It worked. And Holly's teacher? What was that all about?"

"You asked! I was just being honest..."

"You cannot possibly be that stupid. Because you were free you were not my lover anymore, but my best friend?"

"I was trying to get my life back. Kids need a mother to..."

"To care for them? Because their father doesn't really love them, right? You wanna play the role of the strong silent type father who doesn't even know what color are his kids eyes. You could've gotten them a nanny!"

"I needed...to belong. I never belong anywhere...I pretend I do, but I don't. I needed an identity, and a wife can give that to me."

"Can I at least try to give you one?"

"You can't...I love you, and you don't believe that."

"I love you and you don't believe me either." Chris smiled sadly. He wanted to just take Toby in his arms, but he needed him to do that this time. "You'll see you're kids again, I promise you that. We'll do something to make that happen." Toby believed him. He missed them, but he knew he had to wait. He pulled closer to Chris and laid down next to him again. He remembered the despair he felt when he thought he was going to loose him. His hand touched Chris's face tracing the lines. Chris's eyes closed as he let the sensation of Toby's touch wash over him. When Toby's finger reached his lips he kissed it and sucked it in tasting the salty skin. The wet digit continued it's path down the man's neck while Toby leaned in for a kiss. Their lips touched softly and stayed closed. Toby knew this was the way to show Chris his feelings, this was the language he would definitely understand.

"Make me belong to you..." Toby whispered while kissing Chris's earlobe. Chris's strong arms came around him pulling him impossibly close. Each part of their bodies was pressed together by the embrace. "I want to be yours...I want to be under you're skin..."

"Are you sure?"

"Yessss...Yes, yes, yes, yes!"

Chris smiled and took hold of the other man's mouth. He slipped his tongue through the slightly opened lips and in an instant he remembered all the kisses they had shared before, and it felt like this was their first.

Fin?


End file.
